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By Torry Stiles

10. I got so-called psychologists telling me I have to drop the whole naughty or nice thing. “Everyone should get a present.” Sheesh.

9. It’s freakin’ cold out there.

8. Reindeer feed is high-fiber and makes a few of the boys a tad gassy.

7. These stupid mittens make it impossible to re-program my GPS.

6. Elves have scheduled a visit from the Teamsters. This could cause some problems at the toy shop.

5.  The toys I can manage. All those batteries have Dasher and Vixen back at the stables laying on heating pads and drinking Tylenol Slushies.

4. This whole “Santa can be any gender: man or woman” thing is a joke, right? Look at this beard.

3. North Korean anti-aircraft fire. I dropped off a few thousand “Make America Great Again” caps just for giggles.

2. Mrs. Claus insists I stick with just cookies and milk. I gotta get me a couple of Red Bulls to get me through the night.

1.Body cavity searches at the border are becoming more common.

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