By Torry Stiles

(Dear readers: Well, I’ve had some fun the last few weeks but now reality has hit me smack in the kisser. Went to the doctor for what I thought was just another bout with the flu and found out a few days later I’ve caught the ‘rona. My past health issues could make this interesting, but we’ll just have to soldier on.)

10. They notified me via a 15-second phone call on Sunday afternoon. No candy-coating or buttering up. My doctor gave me more consideration just before I got that first “complete examination” at age 50.

9. Not sure which of my past health issues will be the most problematic: my heart issues, arthritis, diabetes or addiction to Long’s donuts.

8. I went through the usual stages of denial: Was the test accurate? Was the doctor qualified? Was that really mine in the specimen bottle?

7. The Indiana State Health Department called me Monday to get some info. They were really interested in who I had been in contact with. They will be notifying my real job. That blew the story I had told them about missing work because I’d wrecked my Harley.

6. Apparently you can catch this from animal fur. Imagine the interviewer’s confusion when for names of those I had been in contact with there was Louie, Gracey, Mater, Smokey and Porkrinds.

5. They tell me I have to be three days without symptoms before I can go back to work. They’ve been adding a new symptom almost every week to the COVID-19 description. This may take a while to catch up. Anybody got a picture of “COVID Toe?” I’ve got a little piggy that’s looking a bit puny.

4. I have already been wearing a facemask and using hand sanitizer. Thinking of going full bio-hazard suit with some Clorox body spray.

3. Even I have grown tired of the oral vs. rectal thermometer jokes.

2. Just to be safe I wiped my computer down with bleach before sending in this week’s list.

1. Until it gets bad enough to require hospitalization, I am to self-medicate. That’s the first good news I’ve had all week


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