By Torry Stiles

(Dear readers: A recent discussion with some friends brought this list from April of 2013 to mind. I unashamedly repeat it as a reminder.)

10. They really have their sights set on a vacation in Paris … Paris, IL will do.

9. His father never hugged him. Gave him leadership of one of the most repressive regimes on the planet, but never hugged him. He’s just looking for a hug.

8. One of their pep rallies got out of hand and T-P-ing our football field wasn’t enough to satisfy the crowd.

7. Going for the big aids package: “We declare war on Monday, be vanquished Tuesday and rehabilitated beyond our wildest dreams by Friday night!”

6. Had all these shiny tank-y and bomb-y doodads and didn’t know what to do with them.

5. Has to talk mean and tough because the other leaders at the Presidents Club make fun of a guy named Kim.

4. Beyoncé turned down their invite and went to Cuba instead.

3. Their government blocks CNN and Fox so they missed the whole Iraq/Afghanistan thing.

2. That whole gun ban thing had them convinced we’d be vulnerable.

1. Conquering South Korea is the only way they can get ESPN and HBO.


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